Can you think of a time when you’ve met someone – a complete stranger – but when you start talking it’s like you’ve known each other for years. You’re in sync, you’re comfortable and you have a connection.
Then there are other times when it’s like you’re speaking a totally different language, something feels slightly at odds and you can feel yourself getting frustrated because it doesn’t matter how many different ways you try to say something the other person isn’t quite getting it. Something isn’t clicking and it can be incredibly frustrating.
When communication is effortless – it’s because we have a natural rapport with the person we are talking to and rapport is ultimately the essence of good communication. If you want to be a more impactful communicator and get your message across to anyone … well you have to first build rapport with them!
The good news is that with a little bit of effort it is possible to get rapport with anyone – keep reading to find out how.
So what is rapport and why is it important?
Rapport is when people understand each other and communicate well. You have a connection. I like to think of it as ‘being in sync’ or on the same page with another person or a group of people.
The Oxford Dictionary defines rapport as a close and harmonious relationship in which the people or groups concerned understand each other’s feelings or ideas and communicate well.
It’s important because our brains are processing so much information every second of every day we unconsciously look for quick cues that tell us we ‘like’ this person. Rapport makes people relaxed and feel comfortable because something feels familiar.
When you don’t have natural rapport with someone you might as well be speaking a different language, it feels uncomfortable and something isn’t clicking and what you are saying quite simply won’t be having the impact or the cut through that you want.
So how do you create rapport?
Yes, it is possible as I said earlier to get rapport with anyone, all you need to know and remember is that ‘you don’t have to like someone to be like someone’ – this is the key!
Interestingly only 7% of communication comes from our words (Research by Ray Birdwhistle,1970). Tonality (our tone of voice) and physiology (our body language) make up the lion share when we communicate. So it’s important that you don’t just rely on words when having a conversation but that you observe body language and listen to tone of voice and match and mirror these to help you build connection.
Simply by observing body language – how is the person you are speaking to sitting – arms crossed? legs crossed? Leaning forward? Leaning back? and creating synchronicity with them you will create an unconsciously positive connection with that person, you will help that person feel naturally more comfortable with you and at ease.
You will know when you get into rapport because tension will ease and this is when you launch into the crux of the conversation – not a minute before!
The other area you can focus on is matching the language they are using. Language is unconscious – we don’t think about our words before we speak they just happen and one way to strengthen connection is to use similar words that create familiarity and connection.
Speaking the same language
Everyone has one of four preferred representational systems – in NLP these are called auditory, visual, kinaesthetic, auditory digital. You can identify someone’s preference through the words that they use. So someone whose preference is auditory might use words like sound, hear, discuss, listen, loud, tune in and phrases like clear as a bell, sounds like, tune into when they talk. Visual people will use words like I see, that looks interesting etc…
Using familiar words is another way to make information relevant and identifying your audiences preferred representational system and tailoring your communication style to theirs helps to get your message across quickly.
If you work in a job that requires you to write speeches or presentations, or you have a website for a business – making sure you cover descriptive words from each of the four systems will increase your connection with a larger group of people. It really is quite fascinating and really impactful.
Another top tip is to examine someone’s writing style – yes you can examine an email, pick up on the writers preferred communication style and then use this in your response to maximise cut through. It’s a great way at work to identify how to connect with a challenging stakeholder.
If you find this as interesting as I do and want to read more I recommend ‘NLP at work’ by Sue Knight. Trust me this is a smarter way to communicate and it will help you have more impact in all your conversations!
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